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Writer's pictureMeagan

Is my mic on?

I've always been so quiet. I thought it was because I had nothing to say. But as I entered my late 20s, I started to realize it was because I didn't think anybody would care what I had to say. To some extent, I didn't even bother to form opinions because I wanted to be liked by everyone and having opinions would just get in the way of that, "whatever you want is fine!" Other things I actually hid like my taste in music. I didn't really like the music my peers listened to; I was into country music and musicals which is pretty strange for a teenager so I didn't tell anybody about it. I picked singers or bands that I could tolerate to tell people that I liked so I wouldn't make me seem like such a weirdo.


I was also terrified of looking stupid. I was a straight A student, I often knew the answers questions in class but I never raised my hand. I just wasn't sure enough I had the right answer. Or maybe I didn't want my classmates to hate me for being smart. Either way, I convinced myself I didn't know. When it came to politics or news, I avoided them altogether because not knowing anything about it was the best way to not have to say anything about it thus avoiding looking stupid. I was pretty well liked so good for me?


In my 20s I started to form opinions. The older I get, the stronger they are. Particularly with regard to the state of the environment, but also the things I'd avoided knowing about when I was younger. Boy have I missed a lot... Turns out I have an opinion on a lot of things and it turns out those opinions do not align with the status quo that I was protecting. Climate change was the first thing to really fire me up so it was the thing I started talking about. I kept talking even when it was annoying to the people around me. I'm not sure exactly what the catalyst was but every day I got a little louder; being liked stopped being the goal because this message was more important. Good thing too because other people definitely like me less the louder I get but I also like me a lot more. It is such a weird place to be; liking yourself more and more but losing the people you thought would always be there for you. It can be a lonely place. Perhaps that is part of what has driven me here, in search of community.


In the last few years, even as my knowledge has grown and my confidence in my knowledge has grown, I've still hesitated to put my thoughts on social media for fear of people not liking me anymore, looking stupid or worse, looking like I am part of the problem. Every time I write a comment on a strangers post I delete it; I'm not arrogant enough to believe that what I have to say really matters in the whole scheme of things. But sometimes I wonder if I should leave that comment for my own sake. To prove to myself that my voice is worth hearing. Which, ironically, isn't at all about whether or not you actually hear me. I am fully capable of turning on my own microphone. I need to prove to myself that it is worth speaking even if it feels like no one is listening. The mic being on doesn't do much if the person speaking doesn't know how to use it properly. The truth is that I have no business starting a non-profit or considering myself an activist at all if I don't figure out how to be willing to screw up, look stupid, be corrected, and try again. Over and over again until we've built the culture we deserve to live in.



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